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Buy the Ticket, Take the Ride.*

A hundred times over I had done this exact same thing.  Every time it was different yet the template was the same.  I am talking about buying or selling a gun with a total stranger you met via the internet.  A man has to make a living and when the paychecks stop every winter for a month or two , you gotta get that hustle on and accumulate a few pesos one way or another… adding to our collection, selling off a few older guns, I always managed to make a buck or two and end up with some nice(er) pieces put back by the end of every winter.  The collection was looking pretty good too until the tragic boating accident.

Miss K circa 1989 - 21 years old

The winter layoff is a thing of the past since Miss Kathy and I have jumped on the oil field gate guarding train.  Back in June 2010 I was still doin’ the gun hustle, chasing a Winchester 94 lever action in 45LC  someone had posted For Sale on a local Texas gun trading site at an attractive price.   The normal emails ensued regarding condition, more pictures, any wiggle room on the price etc and etc.  Somewhere during the email exchange I got the niggling suspicion I was dealing with a woman – of all things.  Now it is odd enough to find a woman that knows her way around a Winchester lever action.  Odder still when she is selling it herself instead of letting  a man do it for her.

Well, being the curious sort, I managed to work it into the email exchange some way or another and the seller confirmed she was a female as I had suspicioned.   She was raising cash to exit a bad relationship.   Well, everybody likes to bag on a bad EX.  I am afraid I opened up that can o’ worms when I asked her what was going on with this soon to be EX.  To hear her tell it, he rode with a pretty hard hand when he was drinking and she was fed up with the gig after 2 years. Time to move on.

Now,  being as how I know full well there are two sides to every story,  I figured it was time to stuff this rabbit back in the ol’  hat.  I had just finished a long term relationship scarcely a month previous and I was running free and clear for the first time in years.  The last thing I needed in my life was a gun totin’ female on the rebound and liable to start menopause any day which, as we all know, makes them 11 times more dangerous.  I would rather play Russian Roulette with a 2 shot derringer; just sayin’.    As much as I tried, I could not get the gun deal back on track.  This woman was emailing, emailing, emailing and more and more info was being exchanged that had nada to do with firearms.  In exasperation, I finally gave her the address for this blog.

Miss K - 2010

I figured I would scare her off once and for all when she read some blog entries.  What woman in a right mind would want a damned thing to do with a mildly eccentric and most likely demented old man that lived in an age-ed RV and worried about little more than the weather and how much horsepower he was sittin’ on?  Women want to nest up. They want shelves to put gew gaws on and a bathroom on the far side of the house for menfolk  and a nice car with a trunk that pops open when you push a button and an investment portfolio.  When she saw my primitive  living conditions amidst the mud and the bugs and critters and my poor ass ways that would be the end of that.  Yessiree, I was one smart sonofabitch, me.

It worked.  I did not hear from her for one full day–and then two. And then the other shoe fell,  my aggrandized mental compliments to myself  on running her Arizona butt off were premature. I have mail!  She had read my blog –every entry in my blog from Day One–  and wanted to meet me.  Uh Oh. Red Alert Will Robinson.  Internet Stalker!  Circle the wagons. Loose the hounds.  Strap on the iron ’cause this is getting serious.

So I did what every male would do in this situation.  I asked her if she knew about all my bad baggage….

  1. I was older,  I smoke, drink, cuss and I do not go to Sunday School.
  2. I have EXes trailing back to her First Grade days.
  3.  My circle of close friends would all fit in a booth at Denny’s and I wish the circle was even smaller.
  4. I have a conspicuous carbon footprint  and worse yet; could give a rat’s ass.
  5. All of my shoes are boots.
  6.  I sleep with the bedroom at 55 degrees year ’round.
  7.  Somebody sent me a tin foil hat; sometimes I wear it.
  8. I have never played golf or tennis.
  9. I watch DWTS religiously.
  10. I cannot operate an iPhone.

Challenged as it were in such a robust fashion, she turned my ploy around on me and  sent me this email back along with this picture.   (slaps forehead)   A picture! Pure genius!  I shoulda sent that picture of me trimming my toenails with a pair of sidecutter pliers.

Miss K from 2008

  1. I am a hippy chick.  My I.Q. Is 175.
  2. My waist is 25″. My breasts are XXD. I have very slim hips. I am always happy to dress provocatively.
  3. I do believe I have established myself as an equal.
  4. My love of music is how I speak to my mate.  Otherwise whispers in your ear along with sidelong glances.
  5. I don’t bullshit because I don’t need to.
  6. I am a Leo, so flirting is my middle name. I banter nobly and can change horses in midstream w/o getting wet.
  7. I am fearlessly loyal. And expect the same.
  8. I take great pride in how I look and strive to do at least one thing nice for someone else everyday. Lucky you!
  9.  I prefer older men.
  10. We, you and I, are two of a kind  -Aces.  I intend to play this hand.

Well, hmmmm, maybe I was a bit brash in my dismissal. I emailed her back saying  ‘Kathy,  you are a perplexing woman.’   Her immediate response  ‘I am also a gourmet cook. You are invited to dinner at my Mom’s house this coming Sunday.’

To be continued…..

The Story of Miss K  —  Part II

End Note: Forever in Blue Jeans by Neil Diamond from the Essential Neil Diamond.  For my hippy chick

* “No sympathy for the devil; keep that in mind. Buy the ticket, take the ride…and if it occasionally gets a little heavier than what you had in mind, well…maybe chalk it off to forced conscious expansion: Tune in, freak out, get beaten.” —
Hunter S. Thompson — Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas: A Savage Journey to the Heart of the American Dream

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Buy the Ticket, Take the Ride.*, 9.3 out of 10 based on 13 ratings
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10 comments to Buy the Ticket, Take the Ride.*

  • Joel

    Fun story. Looking forward to the next installment.

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  • Andrew,

    Ya know, as hard as we try sometimes they seem to like us anyways! I did some stupid things before, during and after dating my wife and she stuck around anyway.

    The good ones always do. 😉

    Erik

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  • Bryan

    You do realize that you never stood a chance. None of us do when a good woman sets there sights on us.

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  • http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/High_IQ_society

    Just sayin’… I believe the rest of the story, though. (;

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    • Andrew

      Maybe that is her bowling score Mark? 🙂

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  • If I remember right…I said my IQ was 135. Not 175.
    My bowling score averages 220. My father was a professional bowler in his younger days. He taught me how to bowl when I was 7 or 8.

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  • MissV

    I got two questions. One, did you ever purchase that gun, and two, since when would a pair of side cutter plyers ever have been sturdy enough to cut your trollnails, ere, I mean toenails?

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    • Andrew

      Certainly! The rifle came as part of the dowry but was unfortunately lost with all others in the Tragic Boating Accident. I have the ugliest manfeet on the planet but it is genetic. I cannot help it.

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  • If you think they are just “ugly”
    then you are sorely mistaken!

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