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Is this thing on?

We moved locations this past Thursday — back to the Main Gate for us.  The other location at the Tank Farm had wi-fi to transmit data to HQ in Midland and the owner had graciously given us permission to piggyback on to his network.  It was smokin’ fast and I am afraid it near ruint me.  I even watched some youtubes and I haven’t had the wherewithall to do that in years. So now we are back in Reality Land and the Wilson SOHO amp is struggling to give me an eyedropper full of bytes from the interweb.  Sorta puts the kibosh on any new blog entries for sure. Ehhhh, it is what it is.  No snivelin’!

……………….

City Boy+Silly SUV+Oil Patch Mud = No Bueno

City Boy+Silly SUV+Oil Patch Mud = No Bueno

What is it about these big city boys and walkin’ around sense?  A fella showed up the other day all worked up because he was lost bad.  He was wearing a white polo shirt,  docker pants, a skinny little belt and some loafer shoes that probably cost more than the last bowling ball I bought.  Had salesman written all over him.  He was a pushy little sumbitch on top of all that.  I looked at his directions and figured out pretty quick he was supposed to be over on the other  road with XTO.   He wanted to argue that.  I was pretty close to throwin’ up my hands when he finally come to his senses and started payin’ attention.   I told him to pull forward to that wide spot and turn around and he went spizzin’ off.   About that time, I had an oil truck pull in so I started doin’ my gate guard thing.   Now, the way me and Miss K always set up our gate is critical to this story line.  We always narrow the road down to ONE lane right there in front of the RV.  If ya don’t you are going to be having folks gettin’ 2 and 3 wide just like the main straightaway at Talladega.  Seein’ as how we are out there in that traffic, I damn sure don’t want to be worrying about some  yahoo comin’ up on my backside and running me down. So we just choke ’em off and everybody has to wait their turn. Everybody with common sense that is.

I was standing there checkin’ in that truck and sorta keepin’ one eye slanted over toward Big City when I realized he was going to make it 2 wide and go on a little off-road adventure.  This land here is ol’ black gumbo and when it gets wet– it is danged wet AND sticky as all get out.  We had just had a fair sized rain and everything off the caliche road had about 4 inches of water still standin’.  You could see it plain as day.  Big City launched past me into the gumbo and made it ummmmm maybe two foot off the hard road before he mired that little Japanese SUV up to the axles –didn’t even have it in 4 wheel drive or nothin’.   I looked at the oil truck driver and he looked at me and rolled his eyes and grinned.  About that time Big City found the 4 wheel drive lever and we heard him wind that little SUV up tight.  Pieces of gumbo were peltin’ us pretty good so I told that driver I best be going and he pulled away.

I walked over sort of in front of Big City and drawed my hand across my throat like ‘hey now, cut that shit out’.   Miss K had her head stuck out the door holdin’ up her iPhone and I knew she was recording this event for posterity.  Good girl.   Big City rolled the window down on the passenger’s side and I walked over to see what he had on his mind.  Well sir, he was quite worked up–  face was beet red and his forehead was sweatin’.

Big City said “Man, I don’t need this shit today.  This thing is 4 wheel drive and no way should I be stuck in the mud. I bought this thing SPECIFICALLY so this wouldn’t happen.”    I am thinking if that was the case the smart money woulda been on an F250 Super Duty or a 2500 HD — not some little baby Japanese SUV with slick donutty size tires. He reached for his iPhone and started punching and squiggling his fingers on the screen

Me:  “Who you calling dude?”  He ignored me for like two minutes as he was heatedly explaining to somebody that he was delayed and would be there as soon as he was able.  I absolutely detest somebody who thinks their time is more valuable than someone else’s.  It is rude behavior and I just don’t tolerate it.  He finished that call and started squiggin’ his fingers again on that phone.

Big City: “Calling AAA road service. Best money I ever spent.”  He looked away and dismissed me yet again. I am mulling over this AAA deal and figgerin’ obviously he was a fairly inept vehicle operator if he got his money’s worth out of an emergency road service.  The gate was slow and distractions had been few so Miss K and I were enjoyin’ the show more or less.  He terminated THAT call by bangin’ his hand HARD on the steering wheel.  “I can’t get a live body on the phone!”

Me:  “Ah well,  It would most likely take ’em 2-3 hours to get down here any way.”   He took a big old slug off a Evian water bottle and looked me straight in the eye and said “That is SIMPLY unacceptable!!!”  I kid you not.  Big City did not have an ingratiating demeanor.  I sure hoped he was a better salesman than my social interaction with him indicated.  I hated to think about the poor little hungry kids at home because daddy sucked at being a salesman.

Big City: “What do you do in this situation?”  I figured if I was being played for a slow-learner country hick I might as well live up to the part.

Me: “Meaning what?   Like, when I get stuck?  ‘Cause I can’t really remember the last time that happened.”

Big City: “No No No.  When somebody else gets stuck.  What do you do?”

Me: “Most times I watch ’em go get somebody to pull ’em out.  You gotta have a Plan B if ya doin’ business out here in the pucker brush.”

The Hook Up

The Hook Up

Big City:  “My Plan B was AAA.”

Me:  “Ummm yeah.  That didn’t work out so good.  I reckon we down to Plan C now, right?”

Big City:   “So what are you thinking?”   The arrogance was still oozing and it didn’t set good with me.

Me: “I am thinking there ain’t no vehicles to check in right now and this sun is damned hot just standing around.  I am going to go in that trailer house, get under the air conditioner and get a glass of sweet tea and a ham sammich.” 

You know, there is making a point and there is mental abuse.  I was getting pretty far from one and close to the other and I knew karma was starting to slide away from me.  Big City put his head down, defeated.  “If you have any ideas, I could use your help.”  I could see the big city attitude falling away.

Me: “I reckon we might try and pull you out with that Suburban over yonder.  I got a tow strap and all.”

Big City:  “Aw man!  I am REALLY  hopelessly stuck here.  I think it is going to take a wrecker at the very least.  That Suburban won’t do it.”  Now, I have been hopelessly stuck before and this event did not even come close to  qualifying.

Me:  “I don’t recall seeing a wrecker come by in the last little while do you?  So that Suburban may be your only chance.”

Big City:  “Well, I guess we can try if you don’t see any other way.”

Me: “Well, alrighty then.”  Big City rolled up his window. The Toyota and the AC had been on the duration of this entire transaction.  I got in no hurry fetching the Suburban.  I unhooked the Battery Tender and took the sun screen out of the windshield, fired that baby up and swung around behind his SUV.  Popping the rear hatch, I snagged the tow strap and walked back up to the passenger window.

Big City: “Here is what we are going to do man. When I feel you take up the slack, I am going to floor it in reverse.”   The dude had been watching way too much TV.  I had visions of screeching metal and fenders laying in the mud.

Me:  “Bad Plan.  Let’s try this.  I am not wading that mud so you slip your boots on and hook that strap on your rear bumper.  Then you put your little car in neutral and steer while I pull you out.   On top of that,  I am not responsible if I yank that plastic bumper right off.   You OK with that plan?”

Big City: ” I don’t have any boots.”

Me:  “Well, you just thought your day couldn’t get any worse.  I am not wading ankle deep mud over your mistake sorry to say. Lets’ get crackin’.”  Miss K gets on my ass all the time for micro-managing and had it been me, I most likely would’ve shucked those shiny shoes off and rolled up my pant leg.  Just sayin’.  I thought about all the times she had admonished me about being bossy and bit my tongue.  Big City bailed outta that Toyota; two hunnert dollar shoes and all. He was wretchedly muddy in under 5 seconds.

We got all hooked up and I crawled up in the big ass Suburban and dialed in a little 4LO.  When I felt that tow strap get tight, I gassed it just a tad and the Suburban grunted and squatted down just a bit and snaked that Toyota right outta there.  Big City was quick to jump out and unhook the strap.  I slid out and walked over his way.  I figured he would shake my hand and give me a big ol’ THANKS  — I was even holdin out my hand just a teeny little bit.  But you know that Big City; he had an IMPORTANT day in front of him.  He throwed up his hand and hollered out “Appreciate it!”  before I could even get close to handshake range.  He was gone in a cloud of caliche dust and black mud slingin’ off those bitty little donut tires.

………………..

Miss K took video of the whole transaction and I must say it is impressive footage.  It would take a month to upload it with my current pitiful connection.  So being the iPhone wiz she is, she scrunched here fingers this way and that way and sent me some single frames of the actual fracas.

……………….

End Note: A double: Burn Down the Trailer Park and Heart with a 4 Wheel Drive  by Paul Thorn from the So Far So Good cd.  Gotta be on a day like today.

 

 

 

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5 comments to Is this thing on?

  • joel

    LOL! This was worth the wait!

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  • Loved the story. I sometimes saw the same big city character types on the rural farm where I grew up (like people showing up at the house at 2AM gasoline can in hand or stuck in the ditch). Some were courteous and appreciative while others seemed to think it was our job the bail them out no matter what.

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  • Bob

    Oh man! I think this made my morning. Glad I didn’t have a mouthful of coffee, or it would be all over the keyboard.
    I have “no comment” about City Boy. Really. What can you say?
    I’ve heard word to this effect many a time, “Four wheel drive just means you’re gonna get stuck worse, is all.” and over the years I’ve come to truly believe that.
    There are some issues with the learning curve there too, but let’s even go there.
    Fun stuff.
    And, as aggravating (for you) as it might seem, you have to agree that this kind of silliness makes for good “blog fodder”!
    Keep on truckin’.

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  • Richard

    I’d like to hear his side of the story…”And then this old know-it-all made *me* walk in the mud.” Lesson learned, “When life sends you an arrogant salesman, look on the menu for a ham sandwich and sweet tea.”

    Great story Andy. Still smiling.

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  • Miss Kathy

    His manners improved much when I shouted over to Andy; “you want this filmed in wide screen or HD?” I recall him knee deep in the mud and Andy and I just laughing it was so comical. I have never seen Andy walk that slow before either.
    Big City didn’t know how to hook the tow strap up and wanted Andy to do it and Andy said its your truck that’s stuck, just wrap it back through itself around the bar beneath the bumper. ”
    At this point Big City had to get on his hands and knees in the gumbo. Lol. It was a hoot.

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