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Puckerbrush Feng Shui

When we were down at the other gate on this ranch they were building a tank battery directly across the drive from us.  They brought in about 40-11 loads of caliche rock and as with all things caliche it was about 50 loads more than I thought they could possibly use.  In amongst all this crushed caliche were some round rocks.  Miss K inquired about them because they were a puzzlement to her and the locals told her they were dinosaur eggs.  Now, we are doubting the veracity of that nomenclature but when you are in the puckerbrush you just gotta roll with the flow.  Any how, Miss K made a comment that she sorta kinda liked those dinosaur eggs and the next thing you know those operators were bringing her dinosaur eggs left and right.  Some of ’em were so big they had to roll ’em up to the Princess Palace using the blade of the maintainer.

Takes a squishin' and keeps on tickin'

Takes a squishin’ and keeps on tickin’

You all have most likely figured out by now that I am a left brain sorta guy.  Seeing all those dinosaur eggs piled up there just led me to the natural thought that they might be aligned in a fashion to create a curb and keep them outlaw border trash truck drivers off the Princess Palace.  We have a fine assortment of traffic cones  designating  a proper safe zone  where me and Tuco the Dog can hang out and do our gate guard thing.  Our discovery was that traffic cones are soft and squishy when run over and are more of a polite suggestion than an actual no go delineation.

I will profess my thought process was near identical during my Outlaw Truck Driver days.    Back in the mid-80s, I was coming out of somewhere in the Northwest with a load of fresh apples on board and I musta been down around Nevada or Utah.  I ran mostly the two lanes back then for the main reason that I was not always right with John Law.   I topped a hill in that long nose Freightliner and it opened up into a big valley; easily 8 or 10 miles across with that two lane splittin’ it arrow straight.  The Highway boys were just below the crest of the hill setting traffic cones right down the center line for some manner of road work.  When I whizzed past ’em, I saw a miles long ribbon of traffic cones stretched out before me and not another vehicle in sight.  I was a devilish go-to-hell rowdy back in those days and I made the black smoke roll out of that B model Caterpillar as I whipped up through the gears on that turned around 9 speed.  At about 80 mile an hour with all the tires on the one side rolling perilous close to that line of cones,  I could blow ’em right over with the wind suck from that high ballin’ truck.  Laid ’em down like little orange dominoes.   Hundreds of ’em.  For miles.  So, yeah, truck drivers pay little to no attention to traffic cones.  It is traditional.

Those dinosaur eggs lined up in protective fashion were another animal all together.  Run over one of those rascals and you by God know you done run over something.  Wasn’t long before most of the eggs exhibited some degree of road rash. Black tire marks, skint places and other manner of boogers accumulated on the eggs over time.  Funny thing is those outlaw truck drivers never slowed down or give so much as a glance back when they mashed a traffic cone.  Let ’em run over a dinosaur egg and they invariably stopped.   Some of ’em were kinda paying attention and they would jump out of the truck and say somethin’ like ‘Oh man, I am so sorry I run over your rock!  I didn’t know I was that close!’  I was pretty OK with those fellas because after all I did have the traveling lane closed down to just one vehicle wide in front of the Princess Palace for safety’s sake.   Gate guard friends, if you don’t do that, it is gonna look like the straight away at Talladega with folks passin’ right and left.   Since I have to go out to play in the traffic daily, I prefer a single lane scenario.  The drivers I had a problem with were the ones that would aggressively jump out of the truck and say ‘WTF did I just hit?’ like it was MY fault.  I usually took that opportunity to harangue those no drivin’ sumbitches.  They pretty much knew how the cow ate the cabbage when they crawled back in the cab.

After some few weeks we moved back to the Main Gate on the same ranch and I gathered up what dinosaur eggs I could to make the trip.  Truth be known, they were a conversational oddity as well as being functional and I had grown kind of attached to ’em.  Most of y’all are hip to the fact Miss K is not a left brain kinda gal.  Not a right brain thinker neither.  I would say she is more of a free thinker since I have asked her in wonderment on more than one occasion ‘WTF channel are you on???’  Makes for an interesting mish mash when you take a button-down-tight old schooler and pair him up with a blonde that is off the wall about 98% of every livelong day.  What can I say?  I am easily bored and Miss K has managed to hold my attention going on several years now.

Feng Shui South Texas Style

Feng Shui South Texas Style

I had my dinosaur eggs all arranged in logical border fashion and woke up one morning to find several of ’em had been rearranged into an odd geometric pattern.   I knew Tuco the Dog hadn’t done that so I took it on myself to scooch a few of ’em one way and roll another one this way until they presented a pleasing isosceles triangle looking dealio,  Next morning, got up and they were all back  precisely where they had been the previous day with the addition of a piece of  torch cut flat strap iron that looked like it had made at least one trip through a pasture shredder.  If you squinched your eyes up just right, it sorta looked like  a snake .   So I moved ’em all again until it looked kinda like them Stonehenge rocks in England and went on about my day.  Miss K came on shift and after her first trip out to check in a truck she said:

K:  ‘You need to stop F’n with my rocks.’

Me: ‘What rocks?’

K with the stinkeye: ‘MY ROCKS out beside the trailer (pauses one beat) ASSHAT. ‘

Me: ‘Ahhh!  THOSE rocks!  What is up with that any how?

K: ‘Feng Shui’  and she clipped it off like a steel door slamming.  I also got the roll-eye look that means ‘How can one man be SOOOOO stupid!! ‘

Me: ‘Foung Sway?  Whazzat?’  I didn’t want to load the poor gal up with all the dimensions of  the Enlightened Man of the 21st Century that I am so I figgered playin’ the illiterate rube was the safe bet.  I am just considerate like that.   Umm, yeah.

K: It channels the yin-yang properly all around us and brings good karma.

Me:  Those rocks are a’doin’ all that?

K: Yep. Don’t you ‘F’ with them again.  She grabbed up the remote control and resumed Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares and I knew this conversation was over.

Well, we rocked along status quo for a few days and then one morning a junior traffic cone with a round rock on its’ nose was added to the mix.  This little rock has striated colors and reminds me of a box turtle.  This feng shui business is associated with the Year of the Turtle back around 2300 BC and the Dark Turtle is one of the four cardinal directions and represents North and the Winter Solstice.  Not meaning to creep nobody out here and go all Rod Serling on ya but that junior cone and turtle rock are on the exact north side of this yard art.  I didn’t ask no questions after the earlier beat down.  I couldn’t.  It wasn’t in me.  Only thing I can figger is she needed to fine tune the channel or whatever.

Those Old Chinese were smart fellas and Miss K seems to have more than her share of good luck.  On top of that, she has a yin yang tattoo on her left arm since she was an itty-bitty.  I believe in karma as well but in a more literal fashion.  Like the Golden Rule type of karma or what goes around comes around type of thing.  I had no clue karma was floating around in the air and you could just grab it up if you were tuned in the right way.  Never crossed my mind to go in and get that accurate punctuation neither where they stick those little needles all over you.  All the same,  if there is more good karma to be had I am all onboard with that.  Closest I can figure karma is like radiation floating around and that feng shui gathers it up and runs it somewhere else just like the gutter on a house.  So sometimes I’ll get up by that feng shui yard art and soak some of it up broadside.  Or maybe I’ll be walking by and pull the pocket open on my Wranglers and let some feng shui drop right on in there.  In my book, it is a good thing to walk around with a pocketful of Qi.  Every once in awhile me and Tuco the Dog will go stand over there close because I reckon a dog could do with some feng shui as well.  We got a  bad luck anniversary comin’ up here in a few days and I can’t help but think that feng shui might of steered us clear of that.  Gotta cover all the bases, right?

 End Note:  Truck Drivin’ Man by Lynyrd Skynyrd  from their Greatest Hits

 

 

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6 comments to Puckerbrush Feng Shui

  • joel

    I didn’t realize that Texas had legalized recreational marijuana.

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  • Jim

    We have our generator trailer at one end of the RV with the engine part at the edge of the road, at the other end of our parking spot is the backup generator sitting at about the same location next to the road. One of these mad men drivers hit one its gonna be ugly with 100 gallons of diesel and a hot engine…
    Never mess with a women and where-ever she places whatever… Nothing good will ever come from it.

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  • Gary

    Thanks for a great laugh Andy, I needed that. Great visual.

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  • I never know what you’re going to come up with next in your posts. You certainly tickled the old funny bone with this one! :c)

    Keep up the good work, we sure do appreciate it.

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