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Puckerbrush Chic

Mossy Oak Brush pattern camo shirt

Mossy Oak Brush pattern camo shirt

I like to buy my clothes on eBay; I just do.  I like quality and ruggedness in a suit of clothes and go American made if I can.  Brands like Duluth Trading, Wrangler, 5.11 Tactical and Mossy Oak.   You have to pay for quality  and since I don’t have two nickles to rub together most of the time,  eBay makes perfect sense to me.  I can recycle somebody else’s clothes that have been little worn.   No hay problemo!

Last winter I picked up a Mossy Oak Brush pattern camo shirt off of eBay for a few bucks and I liked it — alot.  The problem with the real quality items on eBay is they don’t come around very often.  I put in a saved search for the Mossy Oak camo and in almost a year’s time didn’t add nary another item to my ensemble.

See, it works sorta like this.  Come the first week or so in September, along about the time folks start talkin’ about dove huntin’, the camo comes out of the closet.  It becomes the de rigueur uniform down here in the South Texas Puckerbrush.  They make all manner of camo goods;  camo shirts, pants, baby clothes — even camo lingeries.   I was most definitely camo deficient so I decided to go right to the source at Mossy Oak in West Point,MS and order me up some Mossy Oak Brush shirts.  Buy once. Cry once.  Get on with it!

UPS Charlie showed up in a few days with my package and I eagerly went inside the No Princess Palace to open up my prize.  Yup, three shirts in there but they didn’t look quite right.  The camo pattern was all trees and oak leaves and acorns and stuff.  Damn sure didn’t look like the near desert brushland outside MY window.   I looked at the tag and it said Mossy Oak Bottomland pattern.  Well hell!  What to do?  What to do?  There was a piece of paper in the package explaining I could return the goods for exchange or refund.  Since I was lusting after some of those shirts mighty bad, I decided to pack those rascals back up and return them for credit.  In the meantime, it was back to the Mossy Oak online store to re-order me some shirts –again.  This time I put a note in the comments section that said “PLEASE SEND MOSSY OAK BRUSH items as ordered!”  Yep, that oughta do it.

In a few days UPS Charlie showed up again and he looked at the package and said

“More Mossy Oak stuff?”  I don’t mind UPS Charlie being occasionally nosey.  If I don’t want him to know what the goods are I just tell him ‘canned vegetables’ regardless of what the package looks to be carrying.  He gets the message.

“Yes sir”

“Is that a Mossy Oak shirt you are wearing now?”

“Yes sir”

“Damn good looking shirt!”

I went inside to tear into that package and was relieved to see a box full of Brush pattern goods but something wasn’t quite right.   It was Mossy Oak Brush pattern pants!  Three of ’em!  WTF!  Looks like the 80 percent rule had bitten me in the butt yet again!  All of y’all know I am wont to use the cell phone for just about any reason.  I don’t like to talk on it.  I don’t like to text on it.  I don’t like much of nothing about it to tell ya the truth.  Unless I am pissed that is and this little dealio definitely qualified.  The Mossy Oak folks had put their customer service number on the paper work and I was dialin’ it up.  Right now!

Once I got through all the voice prompts and press 1 for this and * for that, it sounded like I was ringing through to a live body.

“Mossy Oak.  This is Wynell. How kin I hep yew?”

Lordy,  what an accent!  The accent here in Texas is definitely southern but it has a hard, coarse edge to it that is not altogether pleasant.  The true Southern Drawl is sweetly soothing and melodic and I love to hear it fall out of a Georgia Belle’s mouth.  But then again,  you can go way far to the edge and it becomes almost a foreign language  like the speaker has a mouth full of butter  milk biscuit and sorghum molasses.  Uh huh, we be dealin’ with that today looks like.

“Wynell, my name is Andy and I have a problem with order # ABC123 that I placed online.”

“Weull, let me pull thet order up rat heah on my machine ‘n  see if I kin hep yew out hon.”

Here we go.

“Weull Mr Jones, I am a lookin’ at yer order. Whut seems to be the problem?”

“Y’all sent me the wrong pattern Wynell.  Bottomland instead of Brush.”

At that point, she shifted into high gear and started rattlin’ stuff off faster than my bad ears could be hearin’.

“Oh lordy! Let me fix thet up for yew rat now!  I kin give yew a return number that will speed the deal up and I kin …..”

I had to wait till she come up for a breath before I could get a word in edgewise.

“Wait, wait Wynell!   That ain’t all of it!  I placed a SECOND order # XYZ456 for the same goods and put a comment on the order to please send the correct pattern.  Y’all got the Brush part right this time but you sent pants instead of shirts!” 

and then I waited…….

Am I invisible?  The dog gave me away, right?

Am I invisible? The dog gave me away, right?

I swear I could hear rusty wheels squeakin’ or a recalcitrant door opening on protesting hinges and she said

“Whut?”

“Pull up order XYZ456 on your machine Wynell.  I placed a second order for shirts and y’all sent me pants!”

“Weull I nevah! Wuld yew lookit thet!”

“Yep, y’all got $180 dollars of my money and I ain’t got no shirts still yet Wynell.”

“Well dammitall Mr Jones I am awful sorry!  Thet jus’ won’t dew now will it?”

“Not it won’t!  I am not a happy camper right now dear!”

“I am gonna fix this rat now I swear!  Let me run out ta the warehouse and git yore shirts mysef.  Gonna send them out today along with a pickup ticket so’s yew kin send them bad ‘uns back to us.  Thet work fer yew hon?”

UPS Charlie showed up a few days later with the package and he handed it to me with raised eyebrows.

“Don’t even ask.”  I said.

He was wearing a camo shirt underneath his UPS vest thingy.

“Mossy Oak?”

“Yep”

“Damn good looking shirt Charlie!”

A few days later, me and Tuco the Dog were doing our daily 5 miles walking and we were on the return leg.  I saw a truck pull up to the Palace and they waited.  Then they give a little toot on their horn and waited.  I knew they would eventually head down my way; they have to seeing as how there is a fence on both sides of the lease road and there ain’t nowhere else to go.

It was John in the shit pumper truck headed up to the pads to swamp out the cans.  His window rolled down as he pulled up even with me.

“Damn, if it hadn’t been for that black dog I never would have seen you! You blended right in!”

“Uh John, I am wearing camo,  that is the idea right???”

He laughed and said

“Damn good looking shirt!”

Colonel Cooper says

I have never been taken with the idea of selling a gun. When you possess a firearm, you possess something of importance. If you trade it for cash, you have lost it – and the cash in your hand will soon be gone. Sell something else!

 

 

End Note:  You Wear it Well by Rod Stewart from the Never a Dull Moment album.

“A little old fashioned but I don’t mind.”

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4 comments to Puckerbrush Chic

  • Joel

    http://quotes.lifehack.org/media/quotes/quote-Mark-Twain-clothes-make-the-man-naked-people-have-100590.png

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  • Rob

    I heard a story yesterday that relates to the trouble you had getting what you ordered.
    A guy was a fast food place & wanted a double cheeseburger, it came without the cheese. He took it back to the counter and they made him another, back to his table he goes, opens it up and there is no cheese.
    Back to the counter with some sarcastic comments about the importance of cheese to a cheeseburger. He waits.
    From the back comes the cook, a little old lady who says in broken English “here is your double cheeseburger, no cheese”.
    He asked the counter people for the missing 2 slices of cheese, put them on the burger and went on with life.

    I liked the stories, both of them.

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  • Wallace

    Allow me to relate an even sadder tale than yours, Andy…

    I recently started working for a new company, which will remain nameless to protect the guilty, as you will soon see. At the end of my first pay period, I knew that my first paycheck would be a paper one, since it takes one pay period for direct deposit to take effect. Well, I examined my mailbox on the appointed day. No check. Not that day, nor the next, nor the next. Finally, I asked the admin at work; she told me that my paycheck would arrive in my company mailbox, so I looked there. No check. I called the payroll dept. & they told me that if the check wasn’t in my mailbox the next day, to call them; they would stop-payment it & reissue it as a direct deposit. The next day, yep, no check. I called. Stop-payment was issued, but this was close to Thanksgiving, so the process took another week to complete. In the meantime, I looked one more time in the mailroom, just in case my paycheck had been mis-filed. Yep, it was misfiled & put in the wrong box. But by this time, I couldn’t cash it because, yep, the stop-payment had already been issued. Bottom line: I received my first paycheck just a couple of days before my second one, even though I’m on a two-week pay cycle.

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  • Wynell, eh? Heh. Nothing like the syrupy drawl of a Mis’sippian to put you in the right mood. Although, since most of my paternal side is from Mis’sippi, I might be biased.

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