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Disgusting Tales from the Pucker Brush

Riggin' Up  -  Riggin' Down

Riggin’ Up – Riggin’ Down

Used to be dealing with septic out here in the Brush Country was a bother but not a concern.  The Old Girl had a 50 gallon black tank that always emptied with s swoosh that made you glad you checked to make sure the connections were tight and the stinky slinky wasn’t UV-aged dangerous.  We get septic service and water weekly off the same truck.  Pumper Man sticks his poop wand in the end of the slinky and turns on his machine.  I crouch down beside the black tank gate valve and open it a skooshy bit and then some more.  Most times we get the job done without spillage and blow by.  Gotta remember we work for a gate guard outfit that pays big money but is short on frills.

Along came the Princess Palace and the black tank is 31 gallons and most weeks we are near capacity when Pumper Man rolls up.  On top of that, the Princess Palace has never emptied with the satisfying swoosh that was the Old Girl; more of a steady nonthreatening stream.  I always just discounted it as a difference in plumbing set up.  The other week we were finishing up and Miss Kathy hollered around the front end of the Palace “The black tank is not empty”.  I looked at Pumper Man and he looked at me.  Neither of us were going to dispute Miss K’s statement nor argue the plan of action.  We hooked back up and sure enough, there was a small but steady stream of effluent to be disposed.

I always wondered if the silly women who had occupied the Princess Palace previously had built a Pyramid of Doom in the black tank or maybe just laid the foundation.  The secret to proper black tank operation is plenty of water to make everything swoosh out like its’ s’posed to.  If you are dealing with limited capacity and limited ability to dump the tank,  you gotta walk that fine line between putting too much water in there and filling it up too fast versus scrimping on the water and laying another building block down on that Pyramid of Doom.  I thought I was hitting the happy medium between the two extremes.   Maybe not.

Another week went by and Pumper Man showed up and we did the job.  As we were finishing up, he said “Did you lose a pair of glasses?”  Now that is an odd question for a Pumper Man to ask, right?  I did reach up to make sure my mail order glasses were in place because I have been known to lay ’em down and walk off;  all the while wondering why my eyesight had horribly deteriorated all sudden like.  Sometimes I just get eat up with dumb ass.  So I had MY glasses – what was he talking about?  He pointed to the ground and there lay  pair of women’s prescription eyeglasses.  I knowed right off they weren’t Miss K’s because she prefers that hot Ashley Banfield look and these specs were pretty tame metal frames –but they were definitely female in flavor.  Never at a loss for words, I eloquently uttered “What the hell?”  I looked at him; he looked at me.  Two beats later he said “They came out of the tank.”

I had my pooper gloves on so I picked ’em up.  Pumper Man was stowing his hoses and stuff and he cocked an eyebrow at me and I said “I don’t even wanna know how that happened!  I am just wonderin’ if the rest of that body they was sittin’ on is in that black tank somewhere.” 

I know you are saying to yourself “Where is the pic?”  ’cause I always say if you ain’t got a picture it didn’t happen.  Well, friends and neighbors, I thought about it. But there is just some things you don’t throw out there on the interwebs.  Pictures of my ugly caveman feet, boogers, folks pukin’ and well, poop.  Suffice to say it was disgusting –even by my lowly standards.

There is nothing Miss Kathy likes better than a good riddle or mystery — nothing.  So for the next 2 hours I listened to various conspiracy theories……….

  • The gal that installed the black tank dropped her glasses down the tank up there in Indiana back in 2010 when they throwed the Princess Palace together.
  • The glasses ended up in the tank after an insane night of drinking which culminated with a throne huggin’ session.
  • The glasses fell off the woman into the bowl and she was too drunk to know it and flushed ’em.
  • The lady was a visitor to the Princess Palace and dropped her glasses down the tank and was too embarrassed  to bring it to the attention of the host.
  • The two previous gals had a huge domestic blowout and one of the gals snatched the other’s specs off her face and tossed ’em in the tank outta spite.

Me?  I am a wonderin’ what else might be in there?  A pair of fashionable high heel shoes?  Hoopty earrings?   longneck beer bottles?  a Garth Brook’s cassette tape?

All’s I know is that it is always somethin’.

 

End Note: That’s Alright by the Kentucky Headhunters from the Soul cd.

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5 comments to Disgusting Tales from the Pucker Brush

  • wil

    I’ve been entertaining some of the same thoughts about the new-to-us fiver. Particularly after a huge wad of cut sheet coarse paper towels killed our macerator pump. We don’t even have things like that aboard…

    I do enjoy reading about your life these days. You have a real flair. Stay warm.

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  • David

    Hey Andy,

    Based on your list of possible items that may be in the tank, sounds like there may be some interesting “if the walls could talk” stories with the previous residents of the “Princess Palace”.

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  • joel

    So which of your current mistresses wears corrective eyewear?

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  • Jim

    So where’s the rest of the body?
    In exploring our campers underbelly, I did find a nice partial set of pliers.

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  • Richard

    Converting effluvium into merriment….You da man, Andy.

    Waiting for the sequel….

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