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Missed the Bus

Fine looking women willingly kissed on me in public. Well, back in the day anyway,

Fine looking women willingly kissed on me in public. Well, back in the day anyway,

You know those two kids of mine are gonna fall down, paralyzed with uncontrollable laughter, when I tell you how cool and hip I once was back in the day. Honest to God fact, I was a cool, cutting edge techno-savvy mamma jamma sumbitch. Truly.  Ask anybody……

See, what happened was I came along about 10 minutes after Al Gore invented the Internets and I embraced it.  I understood it all, knew it all and took it in like the very air I breathed.  Seriously!  No foolin’!  I could talk bits and bytes with the best of ’em.  Hellfire, I got good enough at it that I made a pretty good livin’ doing interweb stuff after I shucked the Shiny Corporate Shoes.  But then something happened……

I actually did miss the bus once.  First day of First Grade.  Champaign, Il. ca. 1961.  My teacher found me outside hiding around the corner of the building crying an hour after all the other kiddos had got on the bus and went home.  She took me home and everybody treated it as no big deal.  I think it gave me PTSD for life.  Really. That would explain plenty o’ stuff that has happened in the ensuing 50+ years.

Old and New

Old and New

Two things went on this week that made me realize I have missed the bus, the train has left the station and I am not on it. One,  My beloved Zune has been murdered by Microsoft.  Bastards!  What can they possibly be thinkin’???   Six years it has been part and parcel of my daily life and then BAM! Nada mas! Christ on a Cracker!  I emailed BFF Cait, railing at her about it, and she tried her best to assuage me. Telling me about Spotify and iTunes and Pandora and such.  I can tell you right now I ain’t having no part of any of that mess that starts with a lowercase i.   Second thing,  I had to face up to the fact my 7 year old Dell laptop was on life support and it would behoove me to move on while the movin’ on was good.  As it stood, the keys were fallin’ off the Dell, the finish had worn off the touchpad  to the point it was just squirrely and most mornings ended with me cussin’ the damn thing so vociferously Tuco The Dog was compelled to find a hidey hole till it blew past.  So I bit the bullet and ordered a Lenovo Thinkpad off a WOOT for $229.  I am sure this particular Lenovo model was most likely the cat’s pajamas a year or two back.  I hit the BUY button with a huge black cloud of impending doom boilin’ up over my head.  Had I known just how bad it was gonna be I would have probably just jabbed a sharp needle in my eye instead.

Funny thing is I can pretty well pinpoint when the bus pulled out of the station with my seat empty and just how come I missed it.  Not that I am so damned omniscient smart or anything though.  It took me about 5-6 years to pinpoint it down tight.   The bus got missed when I bought that Razr flip phone and thought it was fab cool.  Well, it was mucho cool in 2004 but I didn’t buy my first one until 2006.  I just give up that Razr about 6 months ago and it is still pissin’ me off that I had to do it.  Who in the hell keeps the same model cell phone for almost a decade???  Y’all hear that driver puttin’ that bus in gear, right?  And the reason?  The reason my seat was empty?  My brain filled up.  Pure and simple.   I ran out of brain cells that was willing to accept even one more electron of new information.  So there ya have it……… I am still stuck in 2006 technologically speaking and it appears I am not comin’ out of the coma. Just don’t unplug the life support hardly yet.  Por favor!

I had several days to prepare for the laptop replacement surgery and I started linin’ them ducks up.  One mornin’ last week I cleared my calendar and set down and fired both those babies up. I mean, come on!  I had one laptop wheezin’ its’ last wheeze but it was still functional. How hard was it gonna be to take the gigabytes of needful info from it and magically transport all of it over to the new one?

Well, this……  Some evil gnome let the Magic Smoke out of the old Dell just when I needed it most but then again, it is what evil gnomes do…….

"Your computer was unable to start."

“Your computer was unable to start.”

Now if I was truly a passenger on the 21st Century bus, what would I do right about now?  Yep, exactly.  I would take a valium or maybe even one of those klonipin and wait for the  pharma karma to course through my veins and show me the True Way of Laptop Redemption.

Not!  I set back and pulled a good Peterson pipe out of the ashtray and selected a fine Virginia blend and touched the Zippo to the bowl.  My head was soon wreathed in clouds of voluminous aromatic smoke.

Contemplate.

Ruminate.

Deliberate.

Don’t pontificate.

Note to self:  No dog hollerin’.

Took me 5 days of fightin’ that new laptop as if it were a bear and I finally got to the point I am thinkin’ I can do a blog post – albeit a day or more tardy and several words short of my normal 1200 word goal.  Even though the keys are in the wrong places and the touch pad has zones instead of actual clicker buttons and it reminds me so much of opening up an egg carton every time I crack the lid on it.  So if y’all are readin’ this it means I accomplished some measure of success.

You all can whup on me all you want to about how backwards this whole thing probably is but that is perfectly alright.   I figgered out a while back I preferred to set under that big oak tree in the shade and watch  that bus zip right on by.   You know the one I am talkin’ about, right?  The destination marquee over the windshield says “RAT RACE”.

Later gators.

 

End Note:  After All These Years by Ray Wylie Hubbard from the Eternal and Lowdown cd

“After all these years of our running wild
I believe I’ll take off my colors for a while
And just kick back and sing some blues
Instead of living them like I do
After all these years of our running wild

After all these years of our running wild
I believe I’ll take off for South Texas for a while
And look up some of my old friends
And try to make amends”

 

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6 comments to Missed the Bus

  • Joel

    Hilarious! I remember that event and the ‘girl.’ I didn’t score a kiss, probably because I was too old.

    Get an effin mac.

    As for cell “phones,” they are computers that do telephonic communication. Mine has the rotary dial app. It works. I use it.

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    • Andy

      I am getting older as we all are but don’t expect me to do it quietly. 🙂

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    • Andy

      And to add Joel,

      Best I can remember that kissin’ picture is back from around 2005?

      Dammit, where do the years go!

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      • Joel

        I think that’s right, but you know what they say: if you remember, you weren’t there.

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  • Judie

    That bus just rolled over me and dust is fogging’ round my head. I love my razor phone and it’s pink and I don’t want the trauma of learning how to use a new one. And in my day, I taught programming! I am just so out of it!

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    • Andy

      The touch screen and itty bitty keys on my new phone are troublesome. Are people’s fingers smaller or something now?

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